Lonely Man

Rev. Lainie shared an experience in a recent post of a lonely man who randomly asked her for dinner outside a restaurant. Her empathy for this man and insight into the issue of male loneliness is admirable. I believe that she is on to something when she suggested that there may be an opportunity for a missional approach in assisting men who face loneliness.

There's no doubt that men have a difficult time with social and emotional loneliness. Men tend to deal with many emotional issues in an unhealthy way -- either by ignoring or avoiding the problem, or acting out in an inappropriate manner. John Mark Ministries shares a story of a pastor who took a wrong turn in his journey of dealing with loneliness. His story is not uncommon.

The real problem is not a new one. Men tend not to seek help. Men avoid sharing problems on an emotional level especially with other men. Men usually invest most, if not all of their emotional energy into one significant relationship and if that relationship fails or is lost, they feel lost. And the number of resources for men are quite limited.

One man, Andrew, sent an email to CyberParent.com looking for information on the internet about men & loneliness but could only find websites dealing with women and loneliness. Andrew expressed frustration at the lack of help. CyberParent.com did a good job explaining the dilemma, but could not offer solutions or support. As a matter of fact, the website falsely assured that men deal with loneliness through a "buddy system" -- using their network of "buddies" to deal with emotional isolation. While in theory true, reality suggests that men struggle with building such a network.

Loneliness has proven to be a health risk for men -- especially older men. Studies (webMD, CyberParent,) have shown that men who have tenuous links to friends and family have weak immune systems, are at risk for heart disease as well as other health problems. And male loneliness often goes unnoticed (ESRC).

I must admit that on a personal note, I am dealing with the loneliness described above. I have just come out of a long-term relationship and find that I do not have a large social network. Even though I keep busy with two jobs and studying for the diaconate, I often feel pangs of loneliness during 'down-time' and prayer. And despite my feelings -- I tend to isolate myself and not seek out others.

So what are we to do? Many of us look toward women for support. Building a friend-relationship with women can be a problem for heterosexual men as we often have difficulty separating romantic love from our friendships with women. Heterosexual & homosexual men alike place a large emotional weight into our romantic relationships which often precludes us from building other friendships. The answer is that men need to build emotional friendships with other men.

Every man needs to bond with other men from the heart. He needs to fulfill his needs for intimacy with someone other than his lover, so she [or he] isn't his only outlet for feeling. He needs mirrors of his own quest to understand his masculinity; soul buddies who can validate his journey like no woman ever can. Find a friend. Take off your mask. Show him who you really are.

-- Barbara DeAngelis, Author, Real Moments

In January, I plan on beginning a small faith group -- I think that I've found the focus of that group -- making it a men's group. I did a brief search in my community for men's groups and support services and found very little. It just reminds me of the challenge I will have to find a format and program that will attract men (or a program that I can bring to them) and that will help us to build relationships with each other and with Christ. I'm intrigued by Church for Men. I do have some reservations about such groups as many foster traditional sex-roles for men that simply don't stand-up in today's society (i.e. Promise Keepers which reinforces the male role as head of household and provider). However, I intend to keep my mind and heart open to all possibilities.

Speaking of Promise Keepers -- I checked-out their website and they had a piece about how to get men back in church -- what are your thoughts about it?

Peace.